By Courtney Gardiner
This past month, my husband traveled to Europe–specifically Switzerland and Germany– for work, and it was a longer trip than normal; I found myself solo-parenting for a little longer than I was used to. What usually was a 7-day dance of working my full-time remote job and caring for my two young children turned into a nearly three-week one-woman show. I cooked, cleaned, wiped snotty noses, and woke up with my sick toddler multiple times a night several nights in a row… Two weeks in, it’s safe to say I was absolutely exhausted. It didn’t help that I kept receiving photos from my husband of the incredible landscapes and sights he was getting to see as I was trudging through all these menial and seemingly mediocre tasks of everyday life.
Feeling Overwhelmed in Motherhood
Slowly but surely, I was sinking into a huge pity party for myself. I could feel my flesh and emotions trying to take hold of me. And one day, I fully allowed it to. “My situation isn’t fair. It’s not fair he gets to go do these amazing things (never mind how hard he is working), and I have to be here! While he’s gazing up at this mountain, I’m waking up a million times in the middle of the night with our sick little girl!”
Thoughts like this paraded through my mind, deep-rooted disappointment and doubt filled my heart. I felt disappointed and disillusioned by my life and my current circumstances. I questioned my decisions over the years and wondered about my purpose after all. These thoughts and feelings, of course, didn’t just pop out of nowhere. I knew they had been waiting underneath for a while and were just now boiling over.
Eventually, a week or so into letting my emotions completely control my thoughts, a friend of mine offered some unsolicited advice that spoke to my flesh. I mean, what she had to say made me feel so validated in everything I had been experiencing! She affirmed my “it’s just not fair” rhetoric. It wasn’t a long conversation, but I began feeling sick several hours later. I knew, somewhere in my soul, that something wasn’t right with how I had been thinking. I believe the Holy Spirit was now doing something in my heart to address what I had been experiencing.
A Moment of Grace: Finding Joy in the Small Things
It took me days to finally sigh and tell God, “Okay, fine. I need you to speak to me! Get me out of this. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I know everything I’m thinking and feeling isn’t the whole truth. So, show me what actually is true. I need help.”
The next day, as I was getting my daughter up from her nap, she suddenly reached for my face for a kiss. She kissed both my cheeks, then reached for my forehead to plant a kiss there, and then my nose. It caught me so off guard that I started laughing. And then she started laughing. And all of a sudden, we were both laughing so hard and squeezing each other tight. I had gone into her room feeling down and miserable, just like I had all week. But she had just shifted something within me in 10 seconds.
God’s Gentle Reminder: You Are Where You’re Meant to Be
I felt like God spoke to me shortly after. “Yes, you may not be in the Swiss Alps right now. But you are here. With her.”
I realized I had been seeing motherhood, and therefore my children, as “the short straw.” And in that one little interaction with my daughter, the Lord showed me just how wrong I was. I realized that getting to be with my kids, seeing all their milestones, and sharing these small, special moments—that’s the long straw! God sees that as the long straw.
Life isn’t “fair.” God never promised us it would be! I personally had to reflect and ask myself if I was giving to my family to receive something or giving because that’s what God has asked me to do. I needed to reframe how I saw my life. I needed to see it the way God sees it.
Encouragement for Moms Struggling with Mental Health
I want to end with this: If you are feeling depressed or deeply discontent or looking into the past constantly saying “what-if?” If you wake up most mornings thinking, “Here we go again,” or pouring from an empty cup, please know that God sees you. He sees what you are doing. He’s doing the math when you aren’t. He’s doing spiritual math that we can’t see. He thinks what you are doing is valuable and beautiful.
The Gift of Motherhood
In my case, I needed a huge reminder that my children were the biggest blessing to my life and the biggest adventure – the most beautiful things I’ll ever get to see and have! No mountain view could ever replace the beauty in a single smile they have given me. I needed to stop comparing my life and opportunities to others, even my husband’s, as it was only breeding disappointment and depression in my life.
Prioritizing Mental Health
Of course, there are times when changes need to be made in our life for our well-being. We mustn’t destroy ourselves or ignore our mental health. There may be things causing these feelings in you that need to be seriously addressed, which may take time.
But sometimes, the things that stretch us the most also mold us. It may take a perspective shift from the Lord to help you see this. Maybe the thing you keep thinking of as your short straw is actually a long straw spiritually.
